What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 02:22
She loved him until the end.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I said to her
What is the Abu Shusha massacre in Palestine?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was very sick at this time too.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My family never makes their pension either.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
How can I be okay with being ugly? What is the bright side?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But it wasn’t much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
What are some great short jokes?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I don,t even have a pension.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I have no regrets .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Put me off passion for life!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Who then, do I blame.?
I write beautiful poetry .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Ive learnt so much.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was scared of men, in general
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She found it foreign!.
Im still living with it.
We were not on the streets..
It was going to be , some day.
I waited trembling.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And i lived it daily.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was in good health!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
This is soul school!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So whats the point in blame.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My life is so biszare .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I could never make a relationship work though!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
All the time i was locked up.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She married twice! .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Comes on , in middle age.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I think the readers, may guess!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Would this be the day?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But, we were locked up after school.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
What did i know ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One cannot live in the past .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He knew the spot.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I will be 64.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was 9 years of age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was seconnd youngest,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So, i spoilt her more .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
We all went to grammer schools
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She wouldn,t have been !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!